The Port of Columbus is Fully Accessible, part 2 of 5: From Airport to Hotel

From Airport to Hotel

The Port of Columbus is Fully Accessible • The Perplexity of Hotel Shuttles • Lifting • Dan, Al & Muhammad • The Legend of Permission from the Port

Without much difficulty we came upon an information desk and asked where we might find a wheelchair van to take us to the hotel. Goodness, the  information lady had absolutely no idea. Nor whom to ask. The information desk is for the purpose of handing out brochures. If it’s not on a brochure, it’s not information. The map of restaurants in Columbus, that's information. The flyer about golfing, that’s information. But how to get your wheelchair to the city of Columbus in order to dine or to golf, that’s not information.

But just as it all looked bleak, we were pleased to come upon a very nice woman holding a sign that read, “Welcome Episcopal General Convention!” We knew that quite a number of delegates, exhibitors and visitors to the convention were of limited mobility. So surely the representative of the Convention would know how to get people to it, and so she did.

“The Port of Columbus is fully accessible!” she said happily.

“Really?” Pamela asked, skeptical.

“Oh yes, every van has a wheelchair lift!”

And our welcomer wasn’t even wrong. Of course, she wasn’t anywhere near right, either. After a bit of confusing oversignage that showed us you can get there both ways, but the one you take is always the least convenient, we found the shuttle area. On our right, shuttles with hotel names. On our left, plain white shuttles. Across the street, a little island with a waiting area, a bus stop, a hotel phone kiosk, and a little house for the Port of Columbus Transit guy. Then beyond another street, taxi stands, and a door to get back into the airport.

Let us digress for a moment to meditate upon being lifted. Feel free to mentally hum some happy hymns. Being lifted is so metaphorical for people. We lift babies. We remember the joy at being lifted when we were children. We may find uplift in religion, and our spirits are lifted. If it’s something that hasn’t happened to you much since you hit adulthood, it sounds pretty fun, and pretty easy.

But say you’re all grown up. Imagine that it is no longer a metaphor, but that everybody you talk to keeps suggesting that you agree to have some stranger, or a group of strangers put their hands all over you and haul your body around. And worse, what if the stranger is overestimating his or —nevermind, sorry, it’s nearly always testosterone-influenced— ability to lift weight? What if they drop you or hurt you? What if they fumble your incredibly heavy, incredibly expensive chair? What if they damage it? What if this suggestion pops up every single time you need to go somewhere? Being lugged around as an adult is uncomfortable, tiresome, awkward and dangerous. So everybody with two working legs: unless there is fire, flood or earthquake, think of another idea, or shut up.

Brainteaser: there are eight vans. Four are white, and four have hotel logos on them. Your hotel is the Crowne Plaza, which is near the convention center. None of the vans have the Crowne Plaza logo on them. All eight vans randomly come and go at approximately ten minute intervals. The vans with logos will not take you to your hotel, but they will take you to a hotel near your hotel. They are not wheelchair vans, but the drivers are more than willing to carry you. All the white vans are wheelchair vans, but they will not take you to the City of Columbus. They will take you to your car parked in the airport parking lot. The city bus has a wheelchair lift, but does not have a map. Which stop will you need to get to the Convention center? The driver does not know, but it will take at least an hour, and require a transfer. He is not certain of the stop for the transfer, either, and there is no route map. He does helpfully hand you a list of stop names so that you can familiarize yourself with a list of stops whose locations you cannot possibly imagine, so that’s nice.

Along came Dan and Al. They are from Rhode Island, and were already friends of Pamela. First we chatted generally, then about transport, then specifically, how on earth we were going to get to the city. We began working the phones to Crowne Plaza. No, the Crowne Plaza does not have a van. Yes, the Crowne Plaza is fully accessible, once you’re there. No, the Crowne Plaza has absolutely no idea how a woman in a wheelchair actually gets there, perhaps we should have a taxi driver carry her? We’d rather not, so the hotel guy offers to call around and get back to us, and we never hear from him again. Dan and Al found a shuttle to their hotel, and we bid them adieu, just as we were about to make a new friend.

The Port Authority Transit of Columbus has a little house on an island, which sounds both exotic and tropical, but it’s a booth on a traffic island. But the man staffing it that day was a kindly, curious, and smart guy named Muhammad. First, he explained that the Port of Columbus is actually fully accessible. That is to say, the Port of Columbus only owns the white vans that take you to the parking lot to your car, and the city busses. And all of those have wheelchair lifts. The Port of Columbus does not own the hotel vans, or the taxis. So the Port of Columbus is fully accessible if you pretend that the things that aren’t accessible don’t exist, and you pretend that the things that are accessible will actually help. When he realized where this left a newly arrived and tired traveller in the soup, and found out that over the next two days many more would arrive, Muhammad snapped into action. He contacted everybody, and in two hours, Muhammad achieved the impossible. He found a livery service wheelchair van. It was the only livery service wheelchair van in Columbus. And it really was impossible, because it turned out that the company had been trying for months to get a license to pick people up at the airport, but was repeatedly denied, because it was neither a taxi nor a shuttle. Most of the two hours was Muhammad getting special permission from the Port of Columbus to allow our one pickup.